The Dancing Shirt
As a parent there is something very special about watching your younger children grow in shape and size. Inch by inch they begin to fit into that onesie from Grandma, the penguin costume for Halloween, the special shirt from a favorite Aunt and Uncle. In these moments there is a layering that happens and time is allowed to become less linear.
Who, where, and what happened when my older son wore that special shirt begins to co-mingle with the who, where, what is happening as my younger son now wears this shirt. In my heart the moments become one. I experience a greater richness about the beauty of our family.
In many ways I am also seeing this shirt for the first time.
Given that Levi is a child for whom self-initiated movement is difficult, this shirt has mainly enjoyed a small dance. A turn of the head. A slow small wave of an arm.The expansion and contraction of breath. A sneeze.
He has danced in some of these shirts for more than a year as his growth patterns have been slow and in no particular rhythm. Up until the age of 2 years old Levi was about 6 months behind in clothing size as compared to his age. Once he made it to 2T he hung out there for almost two years.
When Younger Brother was born we knew there would be a point when he would meet and then overtake Levi in clothing size. It is a natural progression that you want to have happen in your neurotypical child. You want your child to grow along with the growth charts.
In November 2014, when Younger Brother grew into 24 month clothing and for the first time weighed a little heavier than Levi, we saw this shift beginning to take place. I wrote a blog posting describing this moment called “No Longer Big.” Soon after something curious began to happen: centimeter by centimeter, half pound by half pound Levi began to grow again. Could it be that an inherent sibling rivalry resided in Levi too?
Over the past 18 months my boys have continued to jockey for first place. Levi remains the champ in weight and clothing size, while Younger Brother stands taller in height.
More and more Younger Brother is growing into Levi’s clothes as the space between the layers of time get thinner and thinner. No longer are the layers 2 ½ years apart. Clothes Levi received as Christmas gifts are now being worn by Younger Brother. It is common in our home to hear someone say “Aren’t you wearing your brother’s shirt?” I imagine by summer my boys will be wearing the same size clothes.
By fall the layers of time will invert themselves.
...just thinking about this causes me to sit quietly for a long time
In my quiet the Lord reminds me of the ever-present the miracle that Levi even wore the shirt in the first place. That he has been alive for these 6 years. That he has grown to wear 4T. That the surfacing of a competitive spirit and eventual inversion of time and growth patterns with a Younger Sibling is even happening.
I allow the layers of emotions to be present together. To intersect, collide, and befriend each other. I trust in the Lord’s ever-present nature who gently sits with me as a trusted friend. Who prays with and for me when I am without words. Who Shepherds me beside the quiet waters, restoring my soul.
In recent months I have given myself permission to deeply enjoy how the shirt once worn by Levi, animated by his small dance, is now being worn by Younger Brother, who's dance is bold and large.
Some days I watch the shirt more than the boy. The way my son’s movements ripple out into a shirt that becomes animated by bounces, bends, falls, rolls, jumps, twists, wiggles, sadness, elation, spirals, digging, running…
More than anything, I feel joy in these moments. Joy in the dance.
I savor how the small dance and the large dance can co-habitate in one shirt.
With curiosity I wonder if this layering of time will continue in reverse order,
from large dance to small dance?
Notes:
Photo credit Summer Street Photography
Observing my sons’ dancing shirt reminds me of the work of Steve Paxton, who initiated a form of dance called Contact Improvisation, which I studied previously for a decade. In the first incarnations of the work (early 70s) Steve explored the intersection of a dance that involved dancers flying through the air, colliding and falling together in ways that were both vigorous and safe. He referred to it being akin to the smashing of particles that happens in atomic research. Simultaneously the dancers practiced a standing meditation during which they cultivated an awareness of the autonomic movements within their body while standing quietly: digestion, heartbeat, breath, and the interplay of fall and recovery happening as counterbalances to the pull of gravity. This later dance Steve named: the Small Dance.
In his explorations Steve discovered the Small Dance greatly informs all other dances. When we cultivate an awareness of the Small Dance, the tiny profound yet often unseen movements, we greatly expand what is possible within our larger dances. I know being Levi’s Mama is doing this for me.
