No Longer Big
I knew the day was coming and then, it happened....
One of the ripple effects of Levi's severe brain damage has been a much slower trajectory of growth, in both weight and height. As a four year old he is currently wearing 2T-3T clothing, his hat and shoe sizes are closer to 1 year. In the past year, he has inched his way into 3T, wearing just the smaller end of that size. Two years ago,when we got pregnant, Levi got to make the announcement with a T-shirt that read “Big Brother.” It was a special moment each time we shared the news with friends and family.
Our prayer was that this sibling would not have any of the medical challenges of Big Brother, and indeed our prayer was answered. From the moment we met Little Brother is “well brain” was whirling ahead at it's own pace. As the brain grows so grows the body in weight and height. It has been a strange blessing to have to buy new hats every season for Little Brother because his head keeps growing. To pack up the summer clothing at the end of the season knowing that he won't be fitting into them again next summer.
This fall when I unpacked the same box of 2T clothing for Levi that we had used last fall, plus a handful of 3T items, it did not escape me that Little Brother was now inching into the same 2T box. By summer, perhaps even by the end of winter they would for sure be wearing the same size.
However what happened this week took me by surprise. It happened three to five months earlier than I anticipated. During a routine weighing of Big Brother, he came in at his usual 26 pounds. Little Brother wanted his chance at the scale too, so on he went. When the numbers on the scale landed at 30 pounds my heart stopped for a moment.
Big Brother was no longer big.
This was a moment of deep grief and relief. We want Little Brother to grow as the Lord has designed his brain to grow. We know that Levi's brain is such that he will be smaller, and really that's a good thing for the dynamics between his brain and body. However, this change will be the forever change. Little Brother will gradually become bigger and bigger than Big Brother. Someday he will be big enough to pick up and hold Big Brother all on his own.
In the moment that my heart stopped, I realized that this change wasn't just about size and weight, it marked a time when we as parents were going to have to change our language and how we talked about our boys. Big Brother was now Older Brother, Little Brother = Younger Brother.
It sounds like a simple change, but it is a much deeper one than just a matter of language. You see, Levi's condition is a life limiting one. We have known from day one that each day beyond the first is a gift of grace from the Lord. And one day, the Lord will call Levi back home to heaven. What happens then? What language will we have to use on that day? What happens with Younger Brother becomes older?
